Muddlelife Mirth

Everybody knows that the one great thing about getting on in life is that those well rehearsed dad jokes have had a little longer to mature.

Stuck for that perfect pun in an emergency? Here’s fifty classics to get the whole family groaning…

1. I used to hate facial hair… but then it grew on me.
2. Why did the scarecrow win an award? He was outstanding in his field.
3. What do you call cheese that isn’t yours? Nacho cheese.
4. Why don’t skeletons fight each other? They don’t have the guts.
5. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
6. I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down.
7. Why did the bicycle fall over? It was two-tired.
8. Want to hear a joke about construction? I’m still working on it.
9. Why did the math book look sad? It had too many problems.
10. I told my computer I needed a break… now it won’t stop sending me KitKats.

11. Why do seagulls fly over the sea? Because if they flew over the bay, they’d be bagels.
12. I used to play piano by ear… now I use my hands.
13. Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants? In case he got a hole in one.
14. What do you call fake spaghetti? An impasta.
15. I’m so good at sleeping… I can do it with my eyes closed.
16. Why was the belt arrested? For holding up a pair of pants.
17. What do you call a can opener that doesn’t work? A can’t opener.
18. Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they use honeycombs.
19. What do you call a pile of cats? A meow-tain.
20. Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It’s fine — he woke up.

21. Why was the math teacher suspicious of prime numbers? They’re a little odd.
22. What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
23. Why don’t eggs tell jokes? They’d crack each other up.
24. Why did the tomato blush? Because it saw the salad dressing.
25. I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went… then it dawned on me.
26. Why did the coffee file a police report? It got mugged.
27. How do you organize a space party? You planet.
28. Why can’t your nose be 12 inches long? Because then it’d be a foot.
29. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? He needed a little space.
30. Why was the computer cold? It left its Windows open.

31. Why do cows have hooves instead of feet? Because they lactose.
32. How do you make holy water? You boil the hell out of it.
33. What do you call a fish with no eyes? Fsh.
34. What did one wall say to the other? “Meet you at the corner.”
35. Why can’t your hand be 12 inches long? Because then it’d be a foot.
36. How do you catch a squirrel? Climb a tree and act like a nut.
37. Why did the baker go to therapy? He kneaded it.
38. Why did the chicken go to the séance? To talk to the other side.
39. Why was the broom late? It swept in.
40. Why was Cinderella so bad at soccer? She kept running away from the ball.

41. What’s orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
42. I used to be addicted to soap… but I’m clean now.
43. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? Look for fresh prints.
44. Why can’t you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom? Because the “P” is silent.
45. Why did the music teacher go to the principal’s office? She found herself in treble.
46. Why do vampires seem sick? They’re always coffin.
47. How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it.
48. Why did the stadium get hot? All the fans left.
49. Why did the man fall into the well? Because he couldn’t see that well.
50. Why was the calendar afraid? Its days were numbered.